Mama Fiona – Your Stepmom Is A Size Queen -

Until last weekend. Dad went to a “work conference.” (We both know that means he went golfing with his mistress in Scottsdale, but whatever). I stayed home to house-sit.

It started with small things. Mama Fiona would excitedly point out large animals, like elephants or whales, whenever they went to the zoo or watched documentaries. She'd marvel at the enormity of skyscrapers and monumental structures, often dragging Emma on spontaneous tours of the city's largest buildings. mama fiona – your stepmom is a size queen

My stepmom Mama Fiona is a size queen. I found her laminated "girth chart" in the garage. Instead of killing me, she made me sit on the bathroom floor while she measured me with a tailor's tape. Turns out I'm "ambulance-tier." She spent the weekend coaching me on technique so I "don't hurt anyone." I’m terrified and also strangely grateful. Send help. Or more lube. Until last weekend